The Gist: a pornography education program to improve sexual health and wellbeing in young people

[The video opens with text on screen that reads: "THE WILD WORLD OF SEX"]

Lauren French (she/her) from Body Safety Australia: Often when I go in and work with young people, I will ask them, well, "What is your definition of sex?" And they'll be in different groups and they will all have different answers because they'll be like, "Oh, this one has to be about penetration," and this one is, "Anything with another person." And then this other one will be like, "But what if it's on the phone or on Snapchat or these?" "Okay, so that's a..." And they'll have 14 different definitions in one classroom, which always baffles my brain. Cause I'm like, "Yeah, you're all kind of correct." It's completely different for every single person.

Madison Griffiths (she/they), writer, artist and producer: Mm, absolutely. And also, of course, the idea that sex can only be defined as an act of penetration [panelists concurring] which it sounds like, the young peopleare getting a little bit more experimental there. I feel like in our generation it was a lot more- You know?

Lauren French: Oh yeah. Sex was just something going into-

Madison Griffiths: Yes! 

Lauren French: -something. And that was the only way that anyone had sex.

Madison Griffiths: Yes. Everything else was foreplay.

Lauren French: [scoffs] If we knew what the word foreplay...

Madison Griffiths: If we knew, yeah. Which we definitely did not.

Lauren French: And what I find really curious about it is that there's an expectation of acts of boxes ticked.

Madison Griffiths: Yes.

Lauren French: Of we've done this bit, and this bit and this bit. And often what isn't coming into the conversation is, "What do we like?"

Madison Griffiths: Hmm.

Lauren French: "What is enjoyable?"

Ryder Jack (he/him) from Tomorrow Man: Completely! Young boys in particular really struggle with having language or dialogue around these intimate acts because they're conditioned to think, you gotta be tough. Can't show vulnerability or tenderness or softness because suddenly you'll lose all your masculinity. So we really try to provide an environment where they can practice talking about love whether they've experienced it or not. Unfortunately, we kind of stamp out that in a lot of young boys to be able to speak that way.

Annie Rose (she/they), sex educator: When we were talking about the perceived idea that there, that Lauren was talking about, that young people can tend to think you go from here to here, to here, to here, to here. It's as if there is some rule book that's been written. All you have to do is what's right for you and for your partner, your consensual partner. So, you do you.

Lauren French: And I think, yeah, that idea of, everyone is gonna be different, normal will look different for everyone and... But it's about making sure everyone is safe. Everyone is consenting. And you know, the cliche of communication, it is a cliche but it's a cliche for a reason. It's because how do you have, how do you get into experiences that are pleasurable for everyone, that is safe for everyone? If you aren't having conversations with someone?

Annie Rose: Going into a new relationship especially if you're a young person and you haven't had many sexual experiences, whatever that means, But if you haven't had too many encounters with another human on an intimate level, the idea that you are trying to look like you know what you're doing, and, [scoffs] say it's based on all that you might have seen, which more and more seems to be pornographic material, to try to look like you're an expert in that. You know, the onus is is on the other person to say, "I think we don't need, there is no formula of this." And, is it okay to say, "I have no idea what I'm doing?" [panelists concurring]

[Other panelists chime in saying "Yes!" "I love that."]

Annie Rose: "I seriously don't know." I would say that when I'm cooking a complex meal, I'd go, "Yeah, I have got to a point where I have no idea where any of this is gonna come together." Why can't we say that about sex?

Lauren French: You could also, kind of loops back to this idea of success. And a lot of people look at sex as, "How do we have successful sex?" "What is good sex?" "What is this idea of this is what we should be aiming for?" And a lot of the time it is so goal orientated. And you know, when I work even with adults in private practice that are coming to me with sexual issues, a lot of it comes back to this idea of, "We're not having enough sex." "We're not having good enough sex." "We're not..." And when I always ask them, "What does good enough sex mean?" "What does enough sex mean?" There are these arbitrary kind of ideas of, "But people should be doing this." And it's very goal orientated. You know, sex should be about, well, "If we don't both have an orgasm, then we failed." I'm like, "Well, that's a lot of pressure."

Ryder Jack: Yeah.

Lauren French: To put on everyone. Particularly if it's the first time you're being with another person's body and you're expected to instantly know how to, one, give this person an orgasm. Get a space where our head space is relaxed enough to do that. But that this idea of, "Well, if we're not having an orgasm, then the sex is all terrible," as if the entire experience is just down to this idea of, "Well this is success, or this is fail." And I think when particularly young people set up their sexual encounters like that of this idea of, "I have to be good," that's just a recipe for disaster because no one can live up to these ideas.